How to Talk to Children in
the Wake of Tragedy
When you talk with your child it is of
utmost importance that you are as calm as possible and have control of yourself
and your emotions. Your child will look to you for strength and how to react to
the situation.
Regard times of loss/tragedy as
teachable moments. You are an important resource for your children--your job is
to provide then with information and support. Let your children know you are
comfortable discussing any difficult subject with them-even when you don't know
all the information.. Don't make things up. Tell your
child what you know-not what you do not know.
Keep a child's idealism alive. Most
young children want to believe people are good, life is good and the world is
safe. It is important that parents allow and support this magical worldview and
to encourage children to see the good in society instead of focusing on the
bad. Reinforce the fact that most people in the world are good and that it is
indeed, under most circumstances, a safe and wonderful place to live.
Listen to your children. What kids
need most in the aftermath of a violent tragedy -- even one
miles away -- is to have their fears listened to and validated. Do not
judge them or tell them they are wrong about how they feel. Instead listen so
they do not walk away feeling their emotions or fears are irrational. Allow
them to give voice to their fears, sadness, and anger.
Take a child's questions and concerns
seriously and answer them as completely and honestly as possible. And be sure
to let the child know that you value their feelings and questions and take them
seriously.
Ask questions that will spark
constructive discussion and will ultimately build a child's sense of safety.
For example:
"If you saw a stranger on school
grounds, who do you think might notice them first? If
you saw somebody that made you nervous, whom would you tell? What should we do
to stay safe in our house or neighborhood?"
Also, ask open-ended questions that
will give your child permission to express his/her feelings and then take time
to explore their various fears and concerns. Be sure to ask your child,
"How do you feel about this?" Take time to express in age-appropriate
terms how you feel. Repeat feelings and facts that seem to keep coming up or
are key points of worries. When listening to children:
*
Pay attention to your child's questions.
*
Don't avoid difficult questions.
*
Try to answer as many of the questions as possible.
*
If you don't have all the answers, say "I don't know" or
"I don't have an answer for that question but I will try and get one for
you.
*
Be honest--admit when you don't have the answer, and explore answers
with children.
Be prepared to quickly move on from
discussion of a disturbing incident. A child may be reassured before an adult
is through speaking-support their need and ability to put a tragedy behind them
for a time. And expect it to come back from time to time.
Encourage children of all ages to vent
their emotions in positive ways-by collecting food for those affected, writing
letters to the editor or the president or victims of tragedy, attending a
memorial service or event. Older children may want to meet with friends and
talk about the tragedy-open your home to them and give them the space and
support they need to work through their emotions and ideas.
Avoid euphemisms when trying to
explain what happened. Be factual and brief. Don't say, "The plane had a
problem" That may leave a child anxious about flying and scared of public
places. Instead, say, "An airplane crashed into a building and it fell
down. Many people died."
Tell the child that it's normal to
feel angry, guilty, frustrated, and scared after a tragedy. Encourage kids to
be open and honest with their feelings by expressing your own emotions and
modeling safe ways to get feelings out, e.g. punching a pillow, keeping a
journal, tearing up old newspapers. Give younger children crayons and paper and
encourage them to write or draw to express how they feel.
Try to spend time with each of your
children individually in the aftermath of a tragedy as well as with the family.
Children need to know someone will be there to take care of them. Do not,
however, overwhelm the child with your presence
Don't make promises you may not be
able to keep, like "I'll be here forever." Do say, "I am
planning to be here with you for a long time and I will take care of you as
best as I possibly can."
If your child has a hard time talking
about their feelings, give them some time on their own. If they don't bring the
situation up within a day or two introduce the subject again.
If your child is verbal then find time
each day to talk to them about how they are doing emotionally. Explore new
feelings, fears or anxieties.
Responding to common questions
Is this going to happen to me?
Children, by nature, are egocentric.
So it stands to reason that one of the first things that comes
to a child's mind is the question "Could this happen to me?" It's up to
parents to reassure their children not to worry. Affirm for them that while bad
things do happen, most bad things are very unlikely to happen to them.
How often do bad things happen? Should
I worry about my home, neighborhood or town? Tragedies like terrorist attacks
are a rare occurrence. The truth is millions of children go to school and go to
bed and their lives go on each day without a major tragedy impacting them
directly. Headline-grabbing tragedies are the exception, not the rule. While
you do need to teach your child appropriate safety precautions, you do not want
kids growing up in fear of the world at large.
Am I safe? Is my home safe? Without
being alarmist, a tragedy may present an important opportunity for looking at
your own family's security. The more secure your children feel at home the more
secure they will feel outside the home. The home is a child's first measure of
society. Walk through your house and talk about what you do to keep the family
safe. Ask your child questions about how they might feel safer.
Reinforce, especially for young children, that adults are around them who will care for them
no matter what. You may say something like: "Your grownups at home and
your grownups at
school know
how to take care of you."
If your child asks why: Explain in
age-appropriate terms that sometimes people do bad things. Remind them that
police, jails and laws work to protect us from these few bad people. Listen to
your child's interpretation of what happened and resist the temptation to
correct errors as the children explain what they think is going on. Validate
what they are feeling: "A lot of people feel that way."
In response to why an event occurred,
you may want to try approaches like these with young children:
*
"Some people are angry at the people who run our country-that's
called the government-and they did this very scary thing, a thing that was
supposed to scare the rest of us. And we are shocked and scared, but we mustn't
stay that way. We need to think about what we know."
*
"We know that children get taken care of by their grownups at home
and at school. We know that we will keep you safe."
*
"We know that people can sit down and talk about troubles, and
that's always better than hitting or shooting or bombing."
Where do people go after they die?
Your child will wonder this question, so it's important for every family to
instill into their children a personal belief system that the family practices
and become a meaningful part of a child's life. Children need a meaning to
life, goals and a belief in what happens after death. Besides empathy having a
purpose in life, belonging to a strong belief system cannot only reduce the
risk of your children making tragic headlines, but can also help them
understand and cope with life's setbacks. Share your spiritual beliefs with
your children.
Older kids are often focused on the
question of why? Do not focus on the activity-the terrorism. Instead move the
conversation to the fact that bad things can and do happen. Be honest and
factual. If you do not understand why a tragedy had occurred, say so. If you
have facts-that in some cultures they believe bringing attention to issues they
care deeply about is something worth dying for-try to explain them simply.
Signs
of stress or post-traumatic stress in children
Watch for signs of insecurity: your
child suddenly shadows and clings to you, wants to sleep with you, protests
when you leave for work. Take these cues as signals that your child needs a
booster shot of some parent-child connecting activities. Plan special outings,
family fun activities, even a weekend vacation, all of which can reaffirm and give
your children messages that their world is a safe and secure place to live.
The following are signs that a child
may be struggling with incident-related stress:
5
Years and Younger
*
Feelings of helplessness and passivity
*
Regressive symptoms occur
*
Denial of disturbing events
*
Re-enactment through art and play with traumatic themes
*
Nightmares
6
Years through 11 Years
*
Clear thinking is reduced
*
Fantasy plans of action increase
*
Phobic responses
*
Personality changes
*
Obsessive re-enactment of the event
*
Nightmares
12
Years through 17 Years
*
Detachment, shame, guilt
*
Post-traumatic acting out behavior
*
Life-attitude changes (loss of interest)
*
Behaving as an adult who can take care of themselves without adult help
(pseudo maturity)
*
If you find that your child demonstrates some of the above responses and
continues to be unable to move past the trauma within a few months time, a
referral to a mental health professional is recommended to help your child work
through the traumatic event.
*
Curiosity, interest bordering on obsession in knowing all the facts.
*
Interest in talking to peers about the tragedy
